Excitement vs. Anxiousness

September 20th is closer than it seems and as the days pass, it only draws more and more near.

It’s been difficult to describe all the emotions I find myself going through on a daily basis. The most prominent thing I have been feeling lately is tired. I have been tired all day, every day and haven’t really been sleeping through the night so everything catches up with me during the day. But when I waft through all the fatigue and look at everything else going on in there, I think excitement and anxiousness are two of the ones that are always shouting at me.

On one hand I am of course excited to meet my little kiwi in 58 days ( so long as this baby comes out when it is supposed to, that is). I can’t wait to see what our baby looks like, to look into it’s sweet little face and hold that little wonder in my arms. I already feel like this pregnancy has been too long and I can’t wait to cross the finish line and get my prize.

However, anxiety does surround me in some ways. I am anxious. In so many ways it’s hard to know if I have grown up enough. I want to be the very best parent I can be, and I fear if I will be able to hold up to the high standard I have set for myself.

It’s hard to know if you are mature enough to be a parent. I think this day and age, people never really grow up the way they used to. We don’t move out and get married in our teens, we don’t send our husbands off to the factory while we learn the arts of maintaining a household and birthing babies. We aren’t left alone to grow despite ourselves.

Now, our parents help us with everything. There are still questions I call my mother with, still basic things that as an adult I don’t know how to do. I still indulge in things I enjoy constantly, like video gaming, and other things like that. I still act like a big kid when around people I am completely comfortable with. And in two months time I will be responsible for this little life.

If that’s not enough to cause anxiety, I don’t know what is.

So far all I have been doing in these past few weeks is working my butt off to create a little nest egg should my maternity leave moths flying out of my wallet, sleeping, and attempting to get all the things around my apartment done before my little bundle of joy finally arrives.

It has left me for little time for much else. I see all these women posting about how their nurseries are complete and they look like something out of a magazine. How much they have stocked up for their babies. Outfits, diapers, creams, literally everything you can even imagine. I have only bought the outfits I would need to take my baby home from the hospital, I haven’t purchased any diapers as of yet, which is really something I need to get on top of. I finally got around to making a baby registry for my shower, which has maybe 20 things max on it as I had no idea what to even put on there.

All of this has me feeling quite behind and worrying that maybe I am not ready for my little kiwi as of yet.

Sure, I have the basics. Stroller, crib, changing table. I went out yesterday to look for a car seat but didn’t end up getting one. This is something I need to get sooner rather than later.

All the little things seems to be digging their way under my skin and it is pushing all my excitement to the side and making anxiety this large monster that is causing havoc in my life.

With a deep breath, I am going to pretend it isn’t getting to me as much as it is. How hard can all of that be? Wish me luck world, I am off to look for my car seat!!

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